The Worst Mistakes We Made The First Time Around
With our first child turning almost two next month, my husband and I learned a lot the past couple of years. As first time parents, we made some mistakes. We knew it would happen and it prepared us for our second time around. We are seasoned parents and able to figure out what works for us and what doesn't work. The mistakes we made weren't huge but they were big enough to make an impact on our relationship and ourselves. While these are "mistakes" for us, they may be life savers for other parents... to each their own, but here is what was discovered when taking a look back on our first time around.
Mistake #1: Taking Turns
Last time we made the mistake of taking turns getting up with our son in the middle of the night and in the mornings. Not only did this get confusing to keep track of, but it made me feel as though we weren't a team. We were two individuals individually taking care of a baby. Imagine getting up to a crying baby who needs a diaper change and a bottle. Now imagine stumbling around on 2 hours of sleep trying to soothe your newborn and give him/her what they need in an exhausted fog. Now, as you sit in bed trying to burp your bundle of joy in your arms while forcing yourself to keep your eyes open and find the strength to hold your baby in your arms, you look over and see the man or woman you decided to have this child with, sound asleep next to you. How enraged would you be?
It was common sense that we would grow to resent each other every other day. One would be doing more than the other. One would be exhausted and the other well rested. We were like two ships passing in the night and it was lonely and aggravating.
Mistake #2: Not Taking Time For Yourself
After our first was born, I was a homebody. I literally stayed at home and so did my husband (with the exception of work of course). Any moment I had to spare went to a chore or to doing something more productive than say, clipping my toe nails (yeah, there's a blog about that disastrous mistake). I would never go anywhere without my kid or without my husband because if I did, I would feel guilty. I would also have a hard time spending any money on myself whether it be for clothes or shoes or a haircut. I felt as though that money should go towards just our bills and our son. I didn't think I was worthy or deserving enough to buy anything for myself or to spend any significant time on myself. I didn't workout, I didn't go see friends, I didn't go visit many family. Soon I found I had closed myself off to others and I let myself go, two things I never thought I would ever do and it really took a toll on me mentally and emotionally. I never regretted becoming a mother, but I do regret allowing that to be my only identity, which brings me to mistake #3...
Mistake #3: Not Taking Time For Each Other
Just sitting at home and cuddling can do wonders for your relationship. Talking can be a life saver and sleeping together can bring back the youth of your relationship. The first time around there was a lot of time being given to our son which is completely fine, he deserves it, but you have to be able to make time for the person you are sharing your life with. If you think about it, when your children grow up and move out and have lives of their own, you are left with your significant other. I don't want to be strangers. I don't want to just be roommates. I want to be a partner and a lover to the person I have built this family and this life with. I also want my children to see us interact with each other as a married couple rather than business partners. I want them to know how to treat the women that they decide to bring into their lives.
Mistake #4: Only The Working Man Gets Ready In The Morning
Even though I was staying at home with our first, it didn't and doesn't mean I have all this time on my hands...especially with a newborn around. There was no guarantee that a nap would happen and if it did happen, there is no set time that it would last. Even though my husband needed to get ready for work in the morning, it was an unsaid rule that his needs would come before mine when the day started. I cannot go through the day feeling less than and feeling dirty and gross when I just had a baby. I also cannot go out of the house without a shower and my makeup and hair done. It may seem vain, but it's the only thing about myself that I could keep consistent. My body had changed, my hormones had changed, my schedule had change and my entire life had changed, the least I could have was a shower in the morning to feel like a woman. This was a very rare luxury I would get. This time around, I made sure to tell my husband that I NEED to have a shower in the morning. It may seem trivial to some to have such a demand, but I birthed a child. I carried a child for 9 months. My body had not been mine alone for a very, very long time and now that I have it back, I need to take care of it and want to make myself feel like the woman I had always been...clean! So if that means my husband and I have to wake up 15 minutes earlier then that's only fair.
That's pretty much the only big mistakes we made. I'm sure there were more that I will discover later on, but for now, these are the biggest changes we have made with our second born and so far-so good. :)
Mistake #1: Taking Turns
Last time we made the mistake of taking turns getting up with our son in the middle of the night and in the mornings. Not only did this get confusing to keep track of, but it made me feel as though we weren't a team. We were two individuals individually taking care of a baby. Imagine getting up to a crying baby who needs a diaper change and a bottle. Now imagine stumbling around on 2 hours of sleep trying to soothe your newborn and give him/her what they need in an exhausted fog. Now, as you sit in bed trying to burp your bundle of joy in your arms while forcing yourself to keep your eyes open and find the strength to hold your baby in your arms, you look over and see the man or woman you decided to have this child with, sound asleep next to you. How enraged would you be?
It was common sense that we would grow to resent each other every other day. One would be doing more than the other. One would be exhausted and the other well rested. We were like two ships passing in the night and it was lonely and aggravating.
Mistake #2: Not Taking Time For Yourself
After our first was born, I was a homebody. I literally stayed at home and so did my husband (with the exception of work of course). Any moment I had to spare went to a chore or to doing something more productive than say, clipping my toe nails (yeah, there's a blog about that disastrous mistake). I would never go anywhere without my kid or without my husband because if I did, I would feel guilty. I would also have a hard time spending any money on myself whether it be for clothes or shoes or a haircut. I felt as though that money should go towards just our bills and our son. I didn't think I was worthy or deserving enough to buy anything for myself or to spend any significant time on myself. I didn't workout, I didn't go see friends, I didn't go visit many family. Soon I found I had closed myself off to others and I let myself go, two things I never thought I would ever do and it really took a toll on me mentally and emotionally. I never regretted becoming a mother, but I do regret allowing that to be my only identity, which brings me to mistake #3...
Mistake #3: Not Taking Time For Each Other
Just sitting at home and cuddling can do wonders for your relationship. Talking can be a life saver and sleeping together can bring back the youth of your relationship. The first time around there was a lot of time being given to our son which is completely fine, he deserves it, but you have to be able to make time for the person you are sharing your life with. If you think about it, when your children grow up and move out and have lives of their own, you are left with your significant other. I don't want to be strangers. I don't want to just be roommates. I want to be a partner and a lover to the person I have built this family and this life with. I also want my children to see us interact with each other as a married couple rather than business partners. I want them to know how to treat the women that they decide to bring into their lives.
Mistake #4: Only The Working Man Gets Ready In The Morning
Even though I was staying at home with our first, it didn't and doesn't mean I have all this time on my hands...especially with a newborn around. There was no guarantee that a nap would happen and if it did happen, there is no set time that it would last. Even though my husband needed to get ready for work in the morning, it was an unsaid rule that his needs would come before mine when the day started. I cannot go through the day feeling less than and feeling dirty and gross when I just had a baby. I also cannot go out of the house without a shower and my makeup and hair done. It may seem vain, but it's the only thing about myself that I could keep consistent. My body had changed, my hormones had changed, my schedule had change and my entire life had changed, the least I could have was a shower in the morning to feel like a woman. This was a very rare luxury I would get. This time around, I made sure to tell my husband that I NEED to have a shower in the morning. It may seem trivial to some to have such a demand, but I birthed a child. I carried a child for 9 months. My body had not been mine alone for a very, very long time and now that I have it back, I need to take care of it and want to make myself feel like the woman I had always been...clean! So if that means my husband and I have to wake up 15 minutes earlier then that's only fair.
That's pretty much the only big mistakes we made. I'm sure there were more that I will discover later on, but for now, these are the biggest changes we have made with our second born and so far-so good. :)
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