You, Me and D

I remember being pregnant and being sad. More than sad. Depressed. Not all the time but most of it. Besides feeling low, I felt angry and anxious but just like with the depression, it wasn’t all the time, but these feelings would come out of no where. Like lightening these feelings would come and almost as quickly, they’d be gone. 

When I spoke to other women about what I was going through during my pregnancy, they told me it’s just hormones. Or that this is normal. They and my doctors said it would pass. To be fair, I wasn’t really honest with how low my lows were. I was embarrassed to just come out and say it. I was also more focused on my growing babies than on my own “hormonal shit” that I was dealing with. I would start crying out of no where, getting angry at things I couldn’t control. I also developed the need for everything to be perfect and that need ate at me and drove me to OCD tendencies. I couldn’t control my emotions and I was just hoping that by the end of my first pregnancy everything would go back to normal but they didn’t. They stayed the same. 

A year after giving birth, I was still an emotional wreck. I was pregnant again soon after with my second child and my emotions were even worse than before. Most days I was just going through the motions. I was in a fog. I couldn’t concentrate on anything and I would get anxious over everything; going out in crowds, plans changing, you name it. The fear of the unknown was too much to bare. For the entire 9 months of pregnancy I was a wreck. I didn’t think this problem would ever go away. It was taking a toll on my relationships with others and myself. But then something magical happened… I gave birth to my second child and soon after I felt amazing. I felt calm, in control, happy and present. I was in the moment more and I wasn’t having any depression. I was feeling normal again. I couldn’t believe it. I became so clear headed and emotionally stable that during a check up I decided to come clean to my OBGYN for the first time in two years. I was able to speak with a clear mind about just what I had being feeling the past few years and that I just assumed everything was just because of pregnancy and normal. It was determined that I had been suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety. 

Since I was feeling “normal” again, I believed the postpartum chapter of my life was over and although I wish I would have known I was suffering from it sooner rather than after, I was just glad to be feeling like my old self. Six months after having our second child though, I got the Mirena IUD inserted. I wanted to make sure pregnancy was not going to happen until my husband and I decided it was the right time and get things back on track and enjoy my new found emotional freedom. But, shortly after that being inserted, I started to get moody again. I started to feel angry out of nowhere and sad again…truly, deeply sad. There would be days I didn’t want to get off the couch, days of me not wanting to not speak to or see anyone. Days of me feeling alone and afraid of how far down this rabbit hole of depression I would be going this time. 

After speaking to my OB and my primary care physician about what was going on and how it reminded me of my pregnancies, I was able to remember another bit of helpful information. When I was about 18 I went on birth control for the first time and I had very similar feelings of anxiety and sadness and anger which seemed to just creep up out of no where. Of course at the time, I blamed boyfriends or being at a college far from home for these emotions but it wasn’t until I was off birth control pills and patches that I went back to feeling normal. I didn’t think that birth control had anything to do with my feelings, I thought that moving closer to home and getting out of a bad relationship was the reasoning for my sudden change in mood. That I had turned my frown upside down with new scenery and friends. 

Turns out I’m just the type of woman who cannot handle hormonal changes in my body. For the past few years my hormones have been all out of whack and I never gave them time to go back to normal. Baby and another baby and then birth control with hormones, it was too much, too soon and it was taking a toll on me. It was a process of elimination, speak to a psychiatrist, speak to my OB and speak to my PCP and figuring it all out. Luckily, and I say that because it is lucky, I remembered the 2 year stint of birth control and my experience with it then, that it helped my doctors figure out what was going on now.

I’m finally without any hormones and am feeling a bit better. Of course, this is going to take a while. But I wish I would have known that these feelings, these extreme lows and sadness just weren’t “normal” pregnancy issues. I feel bad now in retrospect because during this time, other friends I knew felt the same way and I told them what I was told…that it was all a part of pregnancy. I was so wrong and I wish I could have helped someone else sooner who was going through the same things. So maybe, when people read this they will either be able to help someone who is experiencing these same issues or are experiencing these symptoms themselves and it will give them the courage to be able to open up to their doctors about it. 

We go through so much as women, our bodies are far more complicated that we are aware of. They are stronger than we know. I mean, we can create and sustain life! Why not do all we can to make sure we are taking the steps to keep ourselves healthy both physically and mentally. We can’t and shouldn’t be embarrassed by anything, especially if you’ve had children. Your doctors have most likely seen it and heard it all. So if you feel like something isn’t right, say something.