Just The Two Of Us
I cannot believe that my second pregnancy is coming to an end. At 35 weeks I am both excited and nervous for him to get here. Mostly I am just shocked that it has gone by so fast and at how different this pregnancy was from my first. I can honestly say that I now understand the saying that "no two pregnancies are alike". It is the truest statement I have ever been told. I was so sick for the first 5 months and then after that, exhaustion and hormones took over. So it was a good thing I wasn't blogging at the time or else I would be apologizing for nearly every post because I am sure my feelings and opinions and just plain old frustrations would have offended everyone.
Now, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can learn from this experience. As corny as this sounds, I have realized that my husband deserves a lot of credit. He was my punching bag through all of it. To be completely honest, I had never fought or cried or laughed so hard with anyone all in the same day and sometimes in the same hour. Hormones were my enemy and I had zero control over them this time. They messed me up real good and messed up my marriage for a while. I'm pretty sure we could not survive another pregnancy like this one. It's like PMSing nonstop; anything can set you off into a tearful sob-fest or into a violent outburst of anger. It was hell and I know it's still not over yet...but almost!
Besides the negative, I had a few months to realize the positive as well. I understand the importance of family and friends. For a long time I had just felt like a mom. And to those of you who feel like that is your identity and you are completely happy with it, ok...I am not judging (and it feels really good not to judge) be who you want to be but for me, I wanted much more than to be a mom. I wanted to be a wife and I wanted to be a friend. I wanted to be a daughter and be myself. I wanted to be more than just a mom. At first I felt guilty about it but then I noticed how unhappy I had become just being at home all day and exhausted at night because I never got a break. The weekends, which are meant to be relaxing, just turned into more stress as we added my husband's son into the mix. There was no leaving my "job", I was constantly at the office and always on the clock. I wanted a little of my own life back and to feel married again. Luckily everyone I'm close with both understood and supported me and didn't make me feel guilt or shame for that need for more. Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean that's all I am...especially to everyone else.
That's why I think it's so important for couples to take a day or a night each week for just the two of them. For me, my most exhausting days are during the week. I am home by myself chasing after a toddler and it's extremely tiring, especially while pregnant. On the weekends I can at least share the work load with my husband and be able to take a nap if I need to so for us, the weekends are the best time for us to reconnect and be alone.
It's exactly what I needed. What WE needed. The stress of children, bills, work and life just took over our relationship to the point where we would just be so preoccupied with every one and every thing else that we neglected each other and started to resent each other for it. We started to yell and take out all that aggravation on each other instead of being a team and working on us. We have only been married a little of a year, we need to be able to have alone time in order to stay relevant to each other and to know each other as someone other than seeing them as the person you had a child with.
Of course, we spend plenty of time with our son. I'm home with him all day and when my husband comes home from work he gives our son his attention until it's time to put him down for bed. On the weekends, we have the mornings with him and the afternoons and then we make time for us too, which was something we were lacking for the longest time. The best part about it? I don't even feel guilty anymore. I did feel like if we did anything for ourselves (ie buy something, go somewhere) and it had nothing to do with our son, I'd feel extremely guilty. But who could live like that? Who could live with being so consumed in another person's life that they neglect their own? It's enough to drive you crazy and trust me...I was driven crazy multiple times. I knew something had to change before our second child arrived or else this funk would continue and I'm so happy that it did. Because when the children are grown all that will be left is just the two of us.
Now, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can learn from this experience. As corny as this sounds, I have realized that my husband deserves a lot of credit. He was my punching bag through all of it. To be completely honest, I had never fought or cried or laughed so hard with anyone all in the same day and sometimes in the same hour. Hormones were my enemy and I had zero control over them this time. They messed me up real good and messed up my marriage for a while. I'm pretty sure we could not survive another pregnancy like this one. It's like PMSing nonstop; anything can set you off into a tearful sob-fest or into a violent outburst of anger. It was hell and I know it's still not over yet...but almost!
Besides the negative, I had a few months to realize the positive as well. I understand the importance of family and friends. For a long time I had just felt like a mom. And to those of you who feel like that is your identity and you are completely happy with it, ok...I am not judging (and it feels really good not to judge) be who you want to be but for me, I wanted much more than to be a mom. I wanted to be a wife and I wanted to be a friend. I wanted to be a daughter and be myself. I wanted to be more than just a mom. At first I felt guilty about it but then I noticed how unhappy I had become just being at home all day and exhausted at night because I never got a break. The weekends, which are meant to be relaxing, just turned into more stress as we added my husband's son into the mix. There was no leaving my "job", I was constantly at the office and always on the clock. I wanted a little of my own life back and to feel married again. Luckily everyone I'm close with both understood and supported me and didn't make me feel guilt or shame for that need for more. Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean that's all I am...especially to everyone else.
That's why I think it's so important for couples to take a day or a night each week for just the two of them. For me, my most exhausting days are during the week. I am home by myself chasing after a toddler and it's extremely tiring, especially while pregnant. On the weekends I can at least share the work load with my husband and be able to take a nap if I need to so for us, the weekends are the best time for us to reconnect and be alone.
It's exactly what I needed. What WE needed. The stress of children, bills, work and life just took over our relationship to the point where we would just be so preoccupied with every one and every thing else that we neglected each other and started to resent each other for it. We started to yell and take out all that aggravation on each other instead of being a team and working on us. We have only been married a little of a year, we need to be able to have alone time in order to stay relevant to each other and to know each other as someone other than seeing them as the person you had a child with.
Of course, we spend plenty of time with our son. I'm home with him all day and when my husband comes home from work he gives our son his attention until it's time to put him down for bed. On the weekends, we have the mornings with him and the afternoons and then we make time for us too, which was something we were lacking for the longest time. The best part about it? I don't even feel guilty anymore. I did feel like if we did anything for ourselves (ie buy something, go somewhere) and it had nothing to do with our son, I'd feel extremely guilty. But who could live like that? Who could live with being so consumed in another person's life that they neglect their own? It's enough to drive you crazy and trust me...I was driven crazy multiple times. I knew something had to change before our second child arrived or else this funk would continue and I'm so happy that it did. Because when the children are grown all that will be left is just the two of us.
Comments
Post a Comment