A Christmas Epiphany

I woke up this morning and had an epiphany. I laid in bed for a little bit and thought about a few things I want to do and then immediately started thinking of all the reasons why I won't be able to do them. But then, something magical happened. I stopped thinking of why I couldn't accomplish the things I want to and simply switched my outlook to thinking that I am going to do them and that it will be that simple.

Why should I be thinking about all the negative things in life? This is my life. This is the only one I get and I want to start actually living it. I want to do more, I want to feel more, experience more and not have a million thoughts that convince me otherwise.

I've always been the type of person that has to have control of everything. I am constantly thinking of the negative effects to my decisions and using a negative "what if" approach to life. A while ago I figured that this way of going through life would allow me to make the best decisions with the least amount of consequences. That if I plan for the worst, I can expect the best. But the problem is is that I am no longer expecting the best. The negative thoughts turn into anxiety triggers and I just see things through a negative fog and all that negative thinking is mentally and physically wearing me down.

So as I stared at the ceiling this morning, I thought of a couple of goals I have (both small and large) and I became determined to do them. I'm always so afraid of not being able to succeed at something, embarrassing myself, or making a choice that will effect my kids the wrong way that I just stop living life to its fullest. I stop going after my ambitions because it means (in my eyes) I'm being selfish. I don't put myself out there because I don't want to be rejected. I've lost so much of myself since becoming a mother that I have become a robot; cooking, cleaning and taking care of kids. I’ve created a bubble to live in and rarely venture outside of it.

Today I simply decided to not stop myself anymore. If doing certain things or being with certain people or going certain places make me a happier person-then I should do it. If I want to do new things or make big decisions, I shouldn't be stuck on what could go wrong or what if I make the wrong choice? I should really be looking at the glass being half full rather than empty. I am really blessed in life and although I'm grateful for everything my husband and I have for ourselves and our two children, I am mentally not really living this life we created. I’m always living in a non-existent future where I'm anticipating the rug being pulled out from under us at any moment and for anything that I just tip-toe through life as not to disturb anyone or anything that may have the power to take it all away.

Just writing that down puts my whole existence into a perspective that I never looked at before. It’s such a negative outlook to have on my life. Does anyone else go through this? They say that having children is a life change and it’s not just a life change-it’s bigger than that. It doesn’t just happen and the next day you understand that everything it’s different. The change is gradual. It happens over time. Little by little with each passing opportunity or moment where you have to loose more and more of your old self and it becomes more obvious as your circle of friends grow smaller, your bank account empties and your weight is gained and time is lost. That’s when I started to realize the true meaning of parenthood. It wasn’t when I came home from the hospital with a tiny human in my arms, it was as the days, weeks, months and years pass that I discovered it.

Now, I should also have a disclaimer in here some where that I'm not thinking of running away and joining the circus. I'm thinking of things so small, like going on a Target run alone. Do I take the kids so they get out of the house for a little bit? Or do I go alone and have them crying for me to stay? So I contemplate having to run errands alone for A) a mental break and B) to actually achieve a few things in a decent amount of time? Something like this, I will think about for a while and in the long run, it doesn't seem to be such a big decision. But, my mind will play out all of the scenarios of this "selfish" decision. What if I get into an accident? Was it worth it for 30 minutes alone to myself? What if something happens to the boys while I'm gone? What if...(insert negative effect)? It's exhausting and endless and it has been how I go through every day for the past 3 years. I would love to just say; "I'm going to Target, do we need anything?" and then *poof* I vanish out the door, into my car, put on Beyonce, get to Target and get what I need, all without incident and to think of that scenario being the only scenario and only good things coming from it. Then I play the lottery (because I’m not afraid of spending $2.00 on something frivolous) and win! Too much? :)

I would like to accomplish more for myself. I would like to do YouTube, write more, go out with friends, go do things alone with my husband, be successful, buy something and most of all be proud of what I have without the Universe thinking I’m bragging and then taking it away.

This is a strange way of thinking. I know that. I’d also like to stop feeling so rushed. Since having kids, I feel like the only speeds at which you must do things is fast or super-effing-fast. My brain is so tired of having to always be going, going, going that it causes such anxiety and for my patience to be worn so thin. If one of my kids needs something, my mentality is to drop everything and do it now. If my husband tries to talk to me, I have to pressure him to get the words out faster so we can have an actual conversation before being interrupted. If I get an email about something I think has to be looked at, I have to stop everything and go look now. Everything is now, now, now. Go, go, go. I am loosing time. I am having a hard time living and just being in the moment. 

I don’t know how many parents go through this. I don’t know if this is entirely normal. I just know that this is how my brain has been working for years now and to change the way I think and do things is a huge goal for me. I usually have New Year resolutions, this year will be no different, but I am hoping the that theme of 2018 will be positivity. Even if others around me are negative or if I’m faced with adversity, I just want to change my life and state of mind now rather than it being too late and I’m stuck like this foreverrrrrrrrrrr.