Your 3 Selves
Everyone changes. It's just something that is inevitable. I'm not a sociologist or a psychologist, I'm just an observant person with lots of opinions. My theory as it pertains to change is that everyone has "3 selves" when it comes to their relationships. You have your Single Self, Your Dating Self and Your Married Self.
When you're single, you become the best version of yourself. You are outgoing and exciting (even if you are a little lonely). You are trying new things with new people and going places. You may even become a tad bit of a party animal and because of that and your new shopping habit, you may be broke but that doesn't even concern you in Single Self, you have nothing but time to save money and be more responsible. You are also an amazing friend in Single Self, how did you even get so amazing? Always calling, texting, hanging out with your girlfriends and those guy friends you've had since high school; sure you're doing this because you figure one of them must know at least one single Prince Charming to set you up with, but you also enjoy the company and the laughs and the many glasses of wine!
When you are in Single Self, it's also when you develop expectations for your potential new boyfriend whom you are determined will be The One. You swear up and down and vow that you will never date another asshole again, and for some this is true, so you may be single for a few months or years. In your Single Self mind it is worth it to focus on yourself, your career, your goals, until Mr. Right comes along and sweeps you off your feet and then you are in my favorite mindset: Dating Self.
Remember all the things that you do in Single Self? Well you still do most of them, except that everything revolves around this new person. Now there is a tiny reason to get up every morning with butterflies in your stomach, or if you're me and you're waking up with this new person, you are waking up, running to the bathroom for your purse and doing a quick overhaul of your makeup and your breath situation before climbing back into bed and experiencing those butterflies. Yes, in Dating Self you become much more aware of your appearance. You may have been before, going to the gym and eating right, but now, you are so nervous you barely eat in front of your new love interest that those 8lbs you lost since dating has given you a whole new confidence to go shopping for a cute outfit every day. Did I mention you seem to have a lot more cash in this Self? That's because Mr. Right is spending all his cash on your dates and little surprises that you seem to have saved a small fortune over night. Hold on to it, you'll need it down the road.
So with all the time your spending with this new person, your time becomes valuable and you seem to be ditching friends and family to hang out with your new guy instead. Everyone understands at this point, I mean they all realize that this could be The One for you, so they let this slide...for a minute...then they begin talking behind your back and secretly wishing you'd break up so they can have you back. You should have toned down your awesomeness in Single Self to avoid this, but hey, you live and learn. You're also having a lot of sex and it's fun and exciting and new. The whole "Netflix and chill" thing suddenly becomes the norm and you're surprisingly OK with staying in and not going out anymore. Your little fights are simply that, little, anything more and you're breaking up and your back to Single Self so you're careful. You go with the flow. Have a problem with him talking to his ex? You keep it to yourself because you want to seem like the cool girl he wants to keep around for the long haul. Hate his friends? Save that opinion for later, rocking the boat in Dating Self will do nothing for you, he will not trade them in for you and you know this, so there is no point trying to change something you can't...for now.
You are also completely intimidated in this Self and a little jealous. His friends, family and co-workers all have their eyes on you and you try very hard to make a good impression. You really start to feel the pressure to be perfect in Dating Self in all aspects of your life together. All of your time and energy goes towards impressing him and those he cares about. That awesome person you were in Single Self, slowly fades away and you start to mold into his second half which is both organic and forced at times but it makes you happy so you continue it until it a) doesn't anymore or b) he pops the question and then it's onto your Married Self.
Married Self in my opinion is like Pandora's Box. You have an idea of what you would be like, but when you open up that box the person that comes out is not at all what you expected. You are nothing like your old selves, there are a lot more stresses in this stage of life. Bills, combined families, children, just a lot of real sh*t that needs all of your attention. Your fights become more serious and you fight differently, you fight like the sake of your marriage depends on this one argument over who forgot to feed the cat. (Cat is fine by the way). Every decision you make is done as a team and they are heavy decisions, buying a house, savings accounts, 401k plans, life insurance policies, babies, the list continues. And each of these decisions seems to really stress you both out and you're suddenly not as carefree as you use to be or as eager to spend money on frivolous things. You seem to have grown up and the fun that was involved in dating slips away. You have less alone time, none if you have children, so that constant needs to impress your lover with new clothes, nicely done hair, freshly painted nails and hell, even a shower, is falling to the weigh side. The problem is, you actually wish you could be that same person, but there is a new gravitational pull in your relationship and life that makes it impossible to slip backwards into time. Suddenly sex happens less often, you're more honest and blunt with each other, all those little annoyances that you ignored in Dating Self you have no problem speaking about (almost every day) now.
But, it's not all bad. It's also more comforting than you've ever imagined. It feels terrific to know that out of all the fish in the sea, you were chosen by a great person to spend their life with. All those problems or celebrations you had gone so long going through alone, you now have someone to share it with. You have a partner, you are never really alone. Between the two of you, you can figure out how to handle anything. Sure you may stress more, fight more, cry more, but you also love way more and that gives you this calmness you have never known in any of your previous Selfs. The butterflies may not be entirely gone, which gives you that much needed spark from time to time and it's a nice surprise from regularity of every day life. Sitting on a couch and just enjoying each others company, or watching your kids learn new things is surpisngly satisfying. You also don't need to hide all those embarrassing things you use to while dating. Your nail biting, your smelly feet, your OCD. Everything is out in the open and it's so damn comfortable to let go in a different way than you're use to.
I'm sure there are other "Selves" for other people. Like your Pregnant Self, Divorced Self, Mothering Self, but this is pretty much the general stages most have and can experience that I have lived and have noticed others live through as well. It's not until you are done with each of these life changes that you realize how different you are as time goes on and as you experience things which is why I thought I'd reflect on it. My husband and I speak of changing all the time. We have learned things about each other that we both love and dislike that we never noticed prior to marriage. For instance, he can't stand my worrying and I would never worry when we were simply dating. I mean, what did I have to worry about? And now I didn't realize how big of a procrastinator he was until now. But I also had no clue how resilient he is and I'm sure he didn't know how organized I am until now and those are things we need to keep our marriage/life balanced, especially with a toddler and a baby on the way.
Change is inevitable and if you're lucky, the best parts of you will follow you through all stages of life, specifically in relationships since they are such a huge foundation for our lives. But, you have to also take the good with the bad and not be afraid to admit that you have flaws and the one you are meant to be with will accept it all, the good and the bad, the strange and the norm, the happy and the sad and the cycle of selves will continue until you do. The worst that can happen is you live and learn.
When you're single, you become the best version of yourself. You are outgoing and exciting (even if you are a little lonely). You are trying new things with new people and going places. You may even become a tad bit of a party animal and because of that and your new shopping habit, you may be broke but that doesn't even concern you in Single Self, you have nothing but time to save money and be more responsible. You are also an amazing friend in Single Self, how did you even get so amazing? Always calling, texting, hanging out with your girlfriends and those guy friends you've had since high school; sure you're doing this because you figure one of them must know at least one single Prince Charming to set you up with, but you also enjoy the company and the laughs and the many glasses of wine!
When you are in Single Self, it's also when you develop expectations for your potential new boyfriend whom you are determined will be The One. You swear up and down and vow that you will never date another asshole again, and for some this is true, so you may be single for a few months or years. In your Single Self mind it is worth it to focus on yourself, your career, your goals, until Mr. Right comes along and sweeps you off your feet and then you are in my favorite mindset: Dating Self.
Remember all the things that you do in Single Self? Well you still do most of them, except that everything revolves around this new person. Now there is a tiny reason to get up every morning with butterflies in your stomach, or if you're me and you're waking up with this new person, you are waking up, running to the bathroom for your purse and doing a quick overhaul of your makeup and your breath situation before climbing back into bed and experiencing those butterflies. Yes, in Dating Self you become much more aware of your appearance. You may have been before, going to the gym and eating right, but now, you are so nervous you barely eat in front of your new love interest that those 8lbs you lost since dating has given you a whole new confidence to go shopping for a cute outfit every day. Did I mention you seem to have a lot more cash in this Self? That's because Mr. Right is spending all his cash on your dates and little surprises that you seem to have saved a small fortune over night. Hold on to it, you'll need it down the road.
So with all the time your spending with this new person, your time becomes valuable and you seem to be ditching friends and family to hang out with your new guy instead. Everyone understands at this point, I mean they all realize that this could be The One for you, so they let this slide...for a minute...then they begin talking behind your back and secretly wishing you'd break up so they can have you back. You should have toned down your awesomeness in Single Self to avoid this, but hey, you live and learn. You're also having a lot of sex and it's fun and exciting and new. The whole "Netflix and chill" thing suddenly becomes the norm and you're surprisingly OK with staying in and not going out anymore. Your little fights are simply that, little, anything more and you're breaking up and your back to Single Self so you're careful. You go with the flow. Have a problem with him talking to his ex? You keep it to yourself because you want to seem like the cool girl he wants to keep around for the long haul. Hate his friends? Save that opinion for later, rocking the boat in Dating Self will do nothing for you, he will not trade them in for you and you know this, so there is no point trying to change something you can't...for now.
You are also completely intimidated in this Self and a little jealous. His friends, family and co-workers all have their eyes on you and you try very hard to make a good impression. You really start to feel the pressure to be perfect in Dating Self in all aspects of your life together. All of your time and energy goes towards impressing him and those he cares about. That awesome person you were in Single Self, slowly fades away and you start to mold into his second half which is both organic and forced at times but it makes you happy so you continue it until it a) doesn't anymore or b) he pops the question and then it's onto your Married Self.
Married Self in my opinion is like Pandora's Box. You have an idea of what you would be like, but when you open up that box the person that comes out is not at all what you expected. You are nothing like your old selves, there are a lot more stresses in this stage of life. Bills, combined families, children, just a lot of real sh*t that needs all of your attention. Your fights become more serious and you fight differently, you fight like the sake of your marriage depends on this one argument over who forgot to feed the cat. (Cat is fine by the way). Every decision you make is done as a team and they are heavy decisions, buying a house, savings accounts, 401k plans, life insurance policies, babies, the list continues. And each of these decisions seems to really stress you both out and you're suddenly not as carefree as you use to be or as eager to spend money on frivolous things. You seem to have grown up and the fun that was involved in dating slips away. You have less alone time, none if you have children, so that constant needs to impress your lover with new clothes, nicely done hair, freshly painted nails and hell, even a shower, is falling to the weigh side. The problem is, you actually wish you could be that same person, but there is a new gravitational pull in your relationship and life that makes it impossible to slip backwards into time. Suddenly sex happens less often, you're more honest and blunt with each other, all those little annoyances that you ignored in Dating Self you have no problem speaking about (almost every day) now.
But, it's not all bad. It's also more comforting than you've ever imagined. It feels terrific to know that out of all the fish in the sea, you were chosen by a great person to spend their life with. All those problems or celebrations you had gone so long going through alone, you now have someone to share it with. You have a partner, you are never really alone. Between the two of you, you can figure out how to handle anything. Sure you may stress more, fight more, cry more, but you also love way more and that gives you this calmness you have never known in any of your previous Selfs. The butterflies may not be entirely gone, which gives you that much needed spark from time to time and it's a nice surprise from regularity of every day life. Sitting on a couch and just enjoying each others company, or watching your kids learn new things is surpisngly satisfying. You also don't need to hide all those embarrassing things you use to while dating. Your nail biting, your smelly feet, your OCD. Everything is out in the open and it's so damn comfortable to let go in a different way than you're use to.
I'm sure there are other "Selves" for other people. Like your Pregnant Self, Divorced Self, Mothering Self, but this is pretty much the general stages most have and can experience that I have lived and have noticed others live through as well. It's not until you are done with each of these life changes that you realize how different you are as time goes on and as you experience things which is why I thought I'd reflect on it. My husband and I speak of changing all the time. We have learned things about each other that we both love and dislike that we never noticed prior to marriage. For instance, he can't stand my worrying and I would never worry when we were simply dating. I mean, what did I have to worry about? And now I didn't realize how big of a procrastinator he was until now. But I also had no clue how resilient he is and I'm sure he didn't know how organized I am until now and those are things we need to keep our marriage/life balanced, especially with a toddler and a baby on the way.
Change is inevitable and if you're lucky, the best parts of you will follow you through all stages of life, specifically in relationships since they are such a huge foundation for our lives. But, you have to also take the good with the bad and not be afraid to admit that you have flaws and the one you are meant to be with will accept it all, the good and the bad, the strange and the norm, the happy and the sad and the cycle of selves will continue until you do. The worst that can happen is you live and learn.
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