No Smoking
I remember that day. That first day that I ever tried a cigarette. I stole one from my step father and lit it up with some friends in my backyard. It was disgusting. Tasted horrible. Coughed for a good 10 minutes. What was I thinking? Atleast I thought I looked cool.
I was about 17 and have lived in a house of smoke my whole life. Seriously. In every picture growing up there is usually a cigarette in an ashtray behind me, unless I got really lucky and there was a party, then I suffocated in a cloud of 20 people's tobacco fumes. No wonder why I started in the first place.
Unfortunately I have been smoking on and off for ten years. In 2010, I was hospitalized with mucus plugs in both lungs. I was 24, asthmatic (wonder why) and smoking. No wonder I ended up in the hospital not being able to breathe. I was sure I was going to die. I had never gasped for air for so long and for so hard in my life.
Luckily my amazing pulmonologist was able to help me and I stopped smoking for two years. Flash forward to 2012 and I found myself back in the habit again. Even after something so scarey, I went back to what caused that near death experience in the first place and it continued for about a year. I was weak. But then something amazing and life altering happened...my husband and I decided to try for a baby and I got pregnant.
The moment I took that test and it was positive, I was done. Completely. It was the easiest thing to ever give up. Coffee on the other hand was a bit traumatic but those cigarettes... it was as if they never even existed in my life. Of course, a few months after giving birth I suffered from the stress of new motherhood, my new body, the exhaustion and trying to get a little bit of my old life back and before I knew it, I started up again. It was a vicious cycle I was going through and I knew I was an idiot for continuing it. I was wasting time and energy buying cigarettes and smoking them and then showering off the stench that locked into my hair.
It took a strong lecture from my husband to make me realize that I need to stop for our son. I need to be around for him. And I know, I know...EVERYTHING causes cancer these days but I was purposefully giving myself a cancer causing substance. So what the hell was I doing to myself and to the future of my family?
The reason I am writing this post is because now more than ever I understand the NEED to quit smoking if you are a parent. This is because I went to that same pulmonologist's office that saved my life the other day except this time the appointment wasn't for me, it was for my mother. My mother who has been smoking for nearly 40 years. We were told that she has the beginning stages of emphysema and her lungs are only functioning at 50%. To me, this news is devastating. I could not imagine my son having to go to an appointment with me and hearing a doctor tell me this diagnosis. I could never put my son through the worry and the sadness of such a terrible fate for his mother. I could never put him in the position to have him hear that I may need to go on oxygen in a few years because I can tell you by experience that it is harder than anything I have ever heard or had to deal with.
I have watched every adult in my family pass away from cancer and my fear is that this will continue for me. I have cried many nights thinking that this could be my mother next and never understanding why she just won't quit. I understand that addiction is real and that it is hard but I refuse to have this be in my son's life especially through my own doing. I am proud of myself everyday for putting away my lighters for good. Every day is a struggle, but the reward of being healthy for my family far outweighs the momentary feeling of satisfaction from taking a drag. Because that's all it is...momentary satisfaction.
Shame on tobacco companies for still existing. Shame on them for enabling addiction. And shame on me for allowing them to have such control over me all those years.
The moment I took that test and it was positive, I was done. Completely. It was the easiest thing to ever give up. Coffee on the other hand was a bit traumatic but those cigarettes... it was as if they never even existed in my life. Of course, a few months after giving birth I suffered from the stress of new motherhood, my new body, the exhaustion and trying to get a little bit of my old life back and before I knew it, I started up again. It was a vicious cycle I was going through and I knew I was an idiot for continuing it. I was wasting time and energy buying cigarettes and smoking them and then showering off the stench that locked into my hair.
It took a strong lecture from my husband to make me realize that I need to stop for our son. I need to be around for him. And I know, I know...EVERYTHING causes cancer these days but I was purposefully giving myself a cancer causing substance. So what the hell was I doing to myself and to the future of my family?
The reason I am writing this post is because now more than ever I understand the NEED to quit smoking if you are a parent. This is because I went to that same pulmonologist's office that saved my life the other day except this time the appointment wasn't for me, it was for my mother. My mother who has been smoking for nearly 40 years. We were told that she has the beginning stages of emphysema and her lungs are only functioning at 50%. To me, this news is devastating. I could not imagine my son having to go to an appointment with me and hearing a doctor tell me this diagnosis. I could never put my son through the worry and the sadness of such a terrible fate for his mother. I could never put him in the position to have him hear that I may need to go on oxygen in a few years because I can tell you by experience that it is harder than anything I have ever heard or had to deal with.
I have watched every adult in my family pass away from cancer and my fear is that this will continue for me. I have cried many nights thinking that this could be my mother next and never understanding why she just won't quit. I understand that addiction is real and that it is hard but I refuse to have this be in my son's life especially through my own doing. I am proud of myself everyday for putting away my lighters for good. Every day is a struggle, but the reward of being healthy for my family far outweighs the momentary feeling of satisfaction from taking a drag. Because that's all it is...momentary satisfaction.
Shame on tobacco companies for still existing. Shame on them for enabling addiction. And shame on me for allowing them to have such control over me all those years.
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