Time Is Not On My Side
It's no secret that I have been having a hard time balancing becoming a mother while still staying the person I was before. It's very difficult to go from being solely responsible for yourself to being responsible for a newborn. I feel guilty when I leave him. I have this strong sense to always protect him and be there for him, even if it's for something as small as holding him while he burps. I wake up in the middle of the night just to check on him and look at him. It gives me the greatest satisfaction to know he is "OK". It's reassuring to me that I am succeeding in this new role as mother because there is no manual to tell you how to do it (trust me, I checked). But that means other people in my life are not being given all of my attention or energy anymore.
I use to talk and see my friends every day. I use to speak to my parents on a regular basis. I use to go out on dates with my fiance. I use to keep in contact with people. I use to go to the gym. I use to dance around the house. I use to have my nails done. I use to connect with my fiance on a level I never thought I'd ever be able to with another person. But, things have been changing. All of that time I use to give to others and myself has been lessened so that I can give it to someone who needs it more than anyone or anything. I wish I had time where I wasn't so exhausted or hungry that I can take that time to give it to whoever needed it, but it's hard to find that time. Even when writing this blog, I began the thought of it days ago... I'm only now able to type it out in spurts as I run and take care of baby and pay bills and fold laundry and eat.
I know that this is a struggle for many new moms and I'm sure that if someone were to mention to you that you aren't giving them enough of your time or attention, you will feel like you're failing. I know I feel like I'm failing. I wish things could be different. I wish others would understand just how much has changed. Those nine months leading up to this moment could only prepare you for so much because at that point your body is changing, your hormones are going nuts and you are pretty much preoccupied trying to sustain a life, so preparing for the future is hard to do when you are preparing yourself for all of what's happening at that moment.
Trying to find this balance, where everyone feels important and loved by me is both mentally and physically draining. The "to do" lists get longer with a growing family, my needs and wants get pushed aside for my children and partner, my time to myself gets smaller. But, I am hopeful that there will be a better balance soon. That everyone feels just how important they are to me and how loved they are, even if there isn't ALWAYS enough time to show it psychically or tell them verbally.
I look forward to all the moments I get to have with my baby that are new and exciting. But I am also hoping that I will get to have some special moments with my fiance again before it's too late. And I would love to visit family and friends to catch up and just say "hello" before we grow too far apart.
I'm pretty pissed that "What To Expect When You're Expecting" doesn't prepare you for this part of motherhood...
I use to talk and see my friends every day. I use to speak to my parents on a regular basis. I use to go out on dates with my fiance. I use to keep in contact with people. I use to go to the gym. I use to dance around the house. I use to have my nails done. I use to connect with my fiance on a level I never thought I'd ever be able to with another person. But, things have been changing. All of that time I use to give to others and myself has been lessened so that I can give it to someone who needs it more than anyone or anything. I wish I had time where I wasn't so exhausted or hungry that I can take that time to give it to whoever needed it, but it's hard to find that time. Even when writing this blog, I began the thought of it days ago... I'm only now able to type it out in spurts as I run and take care of baby and pay bills and fold laundry and eat.
I know that this is a struggle for many new moms and I'm sure that if someone were to mention to you that you aren't giving them enough of your time or attention, you will feel like you're failing. I know I feel like I'm failing. I wish things could be different. I wish others would understand just how much has changed. Those nine months leading up to this moment could only prepare you for so much because at that point your body is changing, your hormones are going nuts and you are pretty much preoccupied trying to sustain a life, so preparing for the future is hard to do when you are preparing yourself for all of what's happening at that moment.
Trying to find this balance, where everyone feels important and loved by me is both mentally and physically draining. The "to do" lists get longer with a growing family, my needs and wants get pushed aside for my children and partner, my time to myself gets smaller. But, I am hopeful that there will be a better balance soon. That everyone feels just how important they are to me and how loved they are, even if there isn't ALWAYS enough time to show it psychically or tell them verbally.
I look forward to all the moments I get to have with my baby that are new and exciting. But I am also hoping that I will get to have some special moments with my fiance again before it's too late. And I would love to visit family and friends to catch up and just say "hello" before we grow too far apart.
I'm pretty pissed that "What To Expect When You're Expecting" doesn't prepare you for this part of motherhood...
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