Communicating Problems

I just read an article in Parent's Magazine about the problems with communication in a relationship. Some of this is spot on which I will discuss in this post, but I have to say this: I do not like how the author (Jenna McCarthy) makes it seems as though women are to blame for the bad communication. It seems as though she tries to put fault in everything women are saying and how women should have said it. So it got me thinking...

She also doesn't give men any credit. Men aren't idiots. They also aren't babies who need to be spoken to as such. If a woman says something, that's how a man should hear it and vice versa. There are two parties at fault when there is communication failure and it should not be implied that women are the cause of such problems. I think this article alone puts into perspective how society wants women to feel.; as though they are the ones causing the problems in a marriage or relationship because men are just too simple a creature that they do not know how to understand words or words put together to make sentences. When I take my own experiences and my friends experiences into account I find that the one truth that McCarthy touches on is the following:

"At some point in nearly every one of these spats, we come to a variation of this impasse:
Me: "All I said was [insert impossibly gracious request or statement here]."
Him: "No, you said [insert offensive, accusatory version of above here]!""

This is the stem of most fights. It doesn't even have to be an important subject, it could be as simple as the "Meat Fight" from my previous post. You say one thing and your partner hears another. This could be because of so many different reasons. You could be distracted with children, other obligations, a show on T.V. or your phone going off. You are trying to listen but something gets in the way and then it does become a game of telephone. Here is an example:

You forget what your husband just said because you were too busy thinking of a response before he finished speaking. So you begin judging his mannerisms and listen to his tone of voice. With this information you then suggest it was something not-so-nice so you fill in the gaps with what you assume he must of said based on whatever you are hearing or seeing now. This happens a lot of the time and causes a simple disagreement to rocket into a huge fight.

Another thing that initiates a lot of fights is using absolutes while communicating. Saying things like "always" or "never" or "every time" are words another person will hang onto. They will be so quick to prove you wrong that they will begin thinking of past fights or disagreements that prove your absolute statement wrong. If you say "you never do chores, I always do them" then you will have your spouse focusing on when the last time he did a chore rather than the meaning behind what you are trying to communicate. "That's not true, I did the dishes last week". Your argument is no longer relevant because you were just proved wrong. 

Perhaps absolute words are too harsh to include in arguments and should be left out. As should cursing, yelling, sighing, eye rolling, crossing your arms, being on your phone, looking away and the most difficult of all...interrupting. 

All of these things are done by both parties and just continue or create more problems. Everyone hates a fight that never ends, goes in circles or gets off topic. 

So while I agree with some of what McCarthy is saying, I don't agree with playing the blame game and having men and women read this article and believe it's all the woman's responsibility to communicate better and it's the men's responsibility to just play dumb. 

There are always set backs in relationships but communication failures seem to be the one thing that cause such problems. The better we communicate as a couple, the better we understand each other and the better and stronger we become.

Article In Parents