How To Stop Dating Assholes & Find YOUR Mr. Right
First let me say this: there is no such thing as the perfect man. Just as imperfect as you are, a man can never be 100% perfect, 100% of the time. No one can. Forget what movies or books portray, forget about the guy your friend married, forget about celebrity relationships. Forget about finding this mystical perfect man because that man doesn't exist. So lower that standard and have an open mind. This is about finding someone who is right for YOU specifically.
I've had plenty of boyfriends in my (nearly) 30 years of life and I have dated the worst of them and the not-so-bad-but-not-right-for-me kind of them. Since I began dating my theory was if I got along with someone and they asked me to be their girlfriend I would say yes. I didn't know any better. Sometimes friends should just remain friends and you shouldn't get those feelings confused, especially in high school and college. All that awkwardness of forcing feelings that aren't there is embarrassing and uncomfortable. It should just feel organic. There has to be an attraction, respect and of course...butterflies. As lame as that sounds, it's true. But most importantly you have to know your self worth before you find your Mr. Right. It took a lot of dating for me to find the right guy, but he is the right guy for me and that is something most girls and women cannot realize. He may be sweet and kind and take you out on Friday nights, but can he offer you what you need and want? Not just for right now, but in the future? These are things I never thought of before until I dated the worst person in the entire world and had to learn the hard way what I need to do in order to stop the perpetual cycle of dating assholes.
This realization came to me after I dated (we'll call him Ultimate Asshole for the purpose of this blog) Ultimate Asshole. Sitting alone in my room after I had left him and it was all over, I realized it took strength that I didn't know I had. I understood then that I didn't know myself and I sure as shit didn't love myself to allow this to happen for so long. I was in an emotional hell after 3+ years of being lied to, disrespected, cheated on and just plain treated badly and instead of "rebounding" or "moving on" with someone else, I made the decision to take the much needed time to finally get to know myself.
For almost a year I went to the gym, I hung out with really good people, read books, saw movies, listened to music, and I danced my ass off. I did things I enjoyed. Everything I did I did because I wanted to and it made me feel good. I did not worry about dating. I did not worry about if a guy would like me. I did not worry about any of that single-life bullshit. I worried about me. I did things that made me happy. Before this specific breakup and every one before that, I was consumed in changing myself to fit the mold of whomever I was dating at the time. I would like their shitty taste in music or shop at their preppy stores or pretend to care about their boring hobbies rather than be alone. While I did enjoy some of the time we spent together, I knew I was settling. I completely neglected what I wanted and needed. The saddest part was that it was very desperate of me. To think I would have rather been with Ultimate Asshole and be lied to, manipulated, and taken advantage of than to be alone blows my mind now. I would force myself to believe that this was the right guy for me, that maybe if I tried harder to change myself, he would change himself to be what I needed. Money, time and friendships were lost as I got sucked into believing that this Ultimate Asshole was what I was worth. I had been so accustomed to being treated this way that I didn't believe I was worth being treated any other way. But God, how far from the truth that was! Had I just known to walk away a long time I go, I may not have learned this lesson and I may not have found my husband. In an emotionally traumatic way, it all happened for a reason.
After breaking up with Ultimate Asshole (the last asshole I would ever date) I sought advice from my older cousin and it was the greatest advice I have ever received. She told me: "You're awesome". Something about that stuck with me. I'm sure she said it to be nice and consoling, but it really meant something to me after the years of verbal and mental abuse I had just gone through. I thought; "Yeah, I am awesome". It wasn't a cockiness that took over from there but an acceptance of what I thought of myself. I thought and still think that I am awesome. In my own way, I really like who I am. It took about a year of being alone to make me believe that and realize it. I kept a journal and I worked out some stuff that I had on my mind. I also did the most important thing I ever did, I made a promise to myself that I will not be with anyone who disrespects me or intentionally does things to hurt me. I made a list of the things I would want in a partner, not just a boyfriend, but a man to share my life with. I promised myself I wouldn't ever settle.
So looking back here's my number 1 mistake; settling with a guy because I was lonely. In high school, all my friends had boyfriends so I had one. In college, all my friends had dates so I wanted that. Then I'm in my twenties and all my friends are engaged and getting married and I don't want to miss out on that, so I force a relationship out of nothing. It was all about not being by myself. If this seems oddly familiar to you, here's what you should do. If you know you are in a toxic relationship (or a lackluster one at that)... break up. Just bite the bullet and do it. Do no be afraid of being alone. That's the best thing that you could be. Go to a movie alone, go to a party by yourself, go and make new friends. It will not kill you to be alone, in fact it will make you stronger. It made me a hell of a lot stronger and (bonus!) so much f'*ckin happier!
Almost a year into this promise I got what I was looking for. I found a man (not a boy) who made me feel the way I had been waiting to feel since I started dating. I held out for the perfect guy for me. In my eyes he was and is the most supportive, loving, caring, respectful, hard working man I had ever met. It also helped (as silly as this may sound) that he opened my car door. This is something that may seem so small and insignificant but it was something that no one had ever done for me before. If he believed I was worth the effort it took for him to get out of the car, walk me to the passenger's side, lift the handle and help me in, then I couldn't imagine what else I would be worth to him.
I see a lot of women who date assholes. No matter how many times their friends tell them they shouldn't, they don't listen. Their are plenty of excuses that they give for doing so. But the truth is they are lonely and they just don't value themselves enough and that's something only they can help themselves with. Hopefully they will love themselves enough to realize what I did which is that they should never settle.
I've had plenty of boyfriends in my (nearly) 30 years of life and I have dated the worst of them and the not-so-bad-but-not-right-for-me kind of them. Since I began dating my theory was if I got along with someone and they asked me to be their girlfriend I would say yes. I didn't know any better. Sometimes friends should just remain friends and you shouldn't get those feelings confused, especially in high school and college. All that awkwardness of forcing feelings that aren't there is embarrassing and uncomfortable. It should just feel organic. There has to be an attraction, respect and of course...butterflies. As lame as that sounds, it's true. But most importantly you have to know your self worth before you find your Mr. Right. It took a lot of dating for me to find the right guy, but he is the right guy for me and that is something most girls and women cannot realize. He may be sweet and kind and take you out on Friday nights, but can he offer you what you need and want? Not just for right now, but in the future? These are things I never thought of before until I dated the worst person in the entire world and had to learn the hard way what I need to do in order to stop the perpetual cycle of dating assholes.
This realization came to me after I dated (we'll call him Ultimate Asshole for the purpose of this blog) Ultimate Asshole. Sitting alone in my room after I had left him and it was all over, I realized it took strength that I didn't know I had. I understood then that I didn't know myself and I sure as shit didn't love myself to allow this to happen for so long. I was in an emotional hell after 3+ years of being lied to, disrespected, cheated on and just plain treated badly and instead of "rebounding" or "moving on" with someone else, I made the decision to take the much needed time to finally get to know myself.
For almost a year I went to the gym, I hung out with really good people, read books, saw movies, listened to music, and I danced my ass off. I did things I enjoyed. Everything I did I did because I wanted to and it made me feel good. I did not worry about dating. I did not worry about if a guy would like me. I did not worry about any of that single-life bullshit. I worried about me. I did things that made me happy. Before this specific breakup and every one before that, I was consumed in changing myself to fit the mold of whomever I was dating at the time. I would like their shitty taste in music or shop at their preppy stores or pretend to care about their boring hobbies rather than be alone. While I did enjoy some of the time we spent together, I knew I was settling. I completely neglected what I wanted and needed. The saddest part was that it was very desperate of me. To think I would have rather been with Ultimate Asshole and be lied to, manipulated, and taken advantage of than to be alone blows my mind now. I would force myself to believe that this was the right guy for me, that maybe if I tried harder to change myself, he would change himself to be what I needed. Money, time and friendships were lost as I got sucked into believing that this Ultimate Asshole was what I was worth. I had been so accustomed to being treated this way that I didn't believe I was worth being treated any other way. But God, how far from the truth that was! Had I just known to walk away a long time I go, I may not have learned this lesson and I may not have found my husband. In an emotionally traumatic way, it all happened for a reason.
After breaking up with Ultimate Asshole (the last asshole I would ever date) I sought advice from my older cousin and it was the greatest advice I have ever received. She told me: "You're awesome". Something about that stuck with me. I'm sure she said it to be nice and consoling, but it really meant something to me after the years of verbal and mental abuse I had just gone through. I thought; "Yeah, I am awesome". It wasn't a cockiness that took over from there but an acceptance of what I thought of myself. I thought and still think that I am awesome. In my own way, I really like who I am. It took about a year of being alone to make me believe that and realize it. I kept a journal and I worked out some stuff that I had on my mind. I also did the most important thing I ever did, I made a promise to myself that I will not be with anyone who disrespects me or intentionally does things to hurt me. I made a list of the things I would want in a partner, not just a boyfriend, but a man to share my life with. I promised myself I wouldn't ever settle.
So looking back here's my number 1 mistake; settling with a guy because I was lonely. In high school, all my friends had boyfriends so I had one. In college, all my friends had dates so I wanted that. Then I'm in my twenties and all my friends are engaged and getting married and I don't want to miss out on that, so I force a relationship out of nothing. It was all about not being by myself. If this seems oddly familiar to you, here's what you should do. If you know you are in a toxic relationship (or a lackluster one at that)... break up. Just bite the bullet and do it. Do no be afraid of being alone. That's the best thing that you could be. Go to a movie alone, go to a party by yourself, go and make new friends. It will not kill you to be alone, in fact it will make you stronger. It made me a hell of a lot stronger and (bonus!) so much f'*ckin happier!
Almost a year into this promise I got what I was looking for. I found a man (not a boy) who made me feel the way I had been waiting to feel since I started dating. I held out for the perfect guy for me. In my eyes he was and is the most supportive, loving, caring, respectful, hard working man I had ever met. It also helped (as silly as this may sound) that he opened my car door. This is something that may seem so small and insignificant but it was something that no one had ever done for me before. If he believed I was worth the effort it took for him to get out of the car, walk me to the passenger's side, lift the handle and help me in, then I couldn't imagine what else I would be worth to him.
I see a lot of women who date assholes. No matter how many times their friends tell them they shouldn't, they don't listen. Their are plenty of excuses that they give for doing so. But the truth is they are lonely and they just don't value themselves enough and that's something only they can help themselves with. Hopefully they will love themselves enough to realize what I did which is that they should never settle.
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